Thursday, May 31, 2007

Someday God will say "Ha" and someone will be in BIG trouble!

So I was going to write something witty. A phone call, perhaps, where Bronson rubs it in to Lenny that, although he pitched 5 solid innings for Oakland, he imploded in the 6th and lost the game.

Instead, I'm compelled to write about Alex Rodriguez.

"ARod" to most.

"Slappy" to me (And Bronson Arroyo.)

I have never hidden my hatred for the Yankees. On my own blog, the tag line is "Because life is too short to be a Yankees Chick". I'm pretty straight-forward that way. But the truth is that there are players on that team you have to respect. Mariano Rivera comes to mind.

Well, that was a short list.

Anyway, I've often been on the fence about old Slappy. As witnessed by my use of that nickname, I'll not soon 'get over' his slapping the ball out of Bronson Arroyo's glove in game 6 of the 2004 ALCS. Nor am I happy with the elbow he threw at Dustin Pedroia last week in New York. But in between those two incidents, I had started to soften. I thought it was ridiculous of the Yankees fans to boo possibly the best player any of them had ever seen. I started to believe all the crap about how sensitive he is and how his wife has helped him deal with the pressures of making ridiculous amounts of money for playing a child's game.

I'll tell you now, there is no more softening. ARod is a jackass. And that's the nicest and worst word I'll use. No point in offending any of your sensibilities by using words not fit for print.

But let's pretend I used them, okay? Just between us, you all know that I think ARod is the nickname for Richard. And I'm not talking about Rich. I feel better now that we're all on the same page.

Yes we all know many players cheat on their wives (not all, though, and I think that's pretty important to mention). But ARod is a superstar. He's an athlete and celebrity. He's on the highest-profile team in professional sports in America. And he's stupid enough to get caught?

No way. He isn't stupid. He just has no respect. Not for his wife, not for the woman he's carting around (Nor does she have any respect for herself - I'm not blaming just ARod for that part of all this. It takes two and all.). He certainly doesn't have any respect for his team or their fans, since they are on the receiving end of a major ass-whipping all around these days.

He should have been more discreet. He should have kept it in his pants. He should have just been focusing on helping the team try to win. Right?

Well, he took that last one to heart in Toronto last night, and in the process has cemented his reputation as a great player, but a lousy person.

You've all heard about it or read about it by now.

Rodriguez said he was simply trying to win. “We’re desperate,” he said. “We haven’t won a game in a little bit now. We won the game.”

Spoken like a great American ball player, Slappy. It doesn't matter that what you did would get you a punch in the face in Little League. It helped you win the game because you're desperate. That's all that matters. It's so clear to me now.

I promise you, the next time I see someone who is letting their kid wear an ARod jersey I'll probably lose it on them. This man is a joke. He's taking an already horrible season for the Yankees and adding insult to injury.

The last time the Yankees were in Boston, Daisuke Matsuzaka hit ARod with a pitch. It was April and he was on fire. After getting hit, he cooled down considerably. It might just be time for a little repeated history. Someone needs to take Slappy down a notch, and Bronson Arroyo isn't here to do it. (Author's note: I didn't clear this with all the Sistahs, so don't be blaming all of them for MY writing that he should get hit. I'm sure there are one or two of them who never want to see a batter hit, no matter who he is. I don't happen to be one of them. As long as they don't hit his head/face, I'm quite alright with a purpose pitch now and then.)

Derek Jeter refused to comment on last night's incident. That is very telling. Maybe not. Either Jeter thinks what ARod did last night was wrong, or he just thinks the guy is a dick* and is happy to watch him swing flaccidly in the wind. Either way, if the captain of your team doesn't back your play, you should be thinking twice about what you did.

Not that ARod is. He absolutely seems to be from the "any publicity is good publicity" camp.

I only hope this time he gets his deserved 'reward' for his bush league behavior - on and off the field.


Edited to add that clearly he says "mine" and not "ha". Go back to 3rd grade, Slappy. (This video works now, but when MLB finds out about it, will probably get pulled:)

Sunday, May 27, 2007

A Cell Phone Rings in Oakland

Dude...answer the phone, I really need someone to talk to...

Duuude, you've reached Lenny Dinardo! I'm not here right now because I'm gearing up for my STARTING gig on Tuesday night against Texas. That's right, bitches! Lenny Dinardo is in the starting rotation thank to his 1.83 ERA! Leave me a message and if I don't get too drunk after my win Tuesday night, I'll call you back!


1.83 ERA? No way! I miss the good old days.

To be continued...(Hopefully, right after Lenny's win on Tuesday!)

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Is There a Psychiatrist in the House?

I don't have a fever. There are no voices in my head. I'm pretty sure there is no inoperable tumor growing inside my noggin. I haven't inhaled, ingested, or imbibed any hallucinogenic substances, at least not recently. And yet, I am beginning to find this man strangely attractive.

Am I insane? I mean, we're talking about a guy whose first impression in a Red Sox uniform was of a crazed maniac clocking Tampa Bay's Joey Gathright in a spring training game. Decked him, right in the kisser. And if that weren't bad enough, Curly Haired Boyfriend is now writing nice things about him.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? Tavarez doesn't have Tek's thighs, Wake's neck, Dwight Evans' ass, or Mark Loretta's bedroom eyes. Is it really enough for him just to have presided over last night's 7-3 win against the Yankees, allowing only two runs in nearly six innings? That he started his outing by striking out Johnny Damon, and ended it by inducing Jorge Posada to hit into a double play? Have my standards been reduced to what happens between the chalk lines?

There are plenty of other players on this year's team who have legitimate hottie credentials. We have, just for example, the two most attractive Japanese players in the major leagues today in Hideki Okajima and Daisuke Matsuzaka. We have Manny Delcarmen, also known as mini-Manny or, as Beazer calls him, He of the Soft Lips. We just got a fine effort by the fine Kason Gabbard. We have beauty and brains in the University of Virginia's Javier Lopez. We have Tex's favorite Texan, Josh Beckett. And I haven't even gotten to the position players yet.

Any number of other members of the 2007 Red Sox are far sexier than Julian Tavarez. But last night left me with a certain tingly feeling. I can't help it. I guess Yankee-bashing is an aphrodisiac.

I'll get over it. The next time he stinks up the place, I'll have an "EEEWWWWW!" moment and will be back to normal. Until then, perhaps I should get into therapy. Just to be safe.

Friday, May 11, 2007

A Cell Phone Rings One Morning in Oakland...

(rubbing eyes) What the...Hello?
(pause) Yeah, uh, DiNardo?
Yeah, who's this?
It's Roy Halladay, calling from Toronto.
Halladay? Crap, man, what time is it?
Well let's see, it's 7:30 here, I guess that makes it, what, about 4:30 where you are?
4:30? In the morning?! F-ing A...
Hey, I'm really sorry, DiNardo. I didn't know who else to call.
Why would you call anyone so early in the morning? And why are you calling me?
DiNardo, I need your help. I'm...well, I'm struggling right know. Maybe you heard, I kinda, um, last night I sort of, um... (sigh)
C'mon man, I don't know what your problem is, but I hardly know you. What do I have to do with anything that happened to you last night?
Well, here's the thing. We played the Red Sox, and well, they knocked me around a bit.
Oh, the Red Sox game. (chuckling) Yeah, I heard about that.
See, here's the problem. I'm just not accustomed to this kind of adversity. It was bad enough that I gave up (mumble) runs in five innings...
Sorry, I didn't get that... say again?
I said, I gave up (mumble) runs in five innings...
How many runs?
Eight, OK? I gave up EIGHT RUNS. There, I said it. Are you happy now? (uncontrolled sobbing)
Oh, jeez, don't go crying. Halladay, I'm serious, stop it. Please. You're embarrassing yourself.
I can't help it, I just don't know... (sniff) I just don't know what to do. Why is this happening to our team? Why is this happening to me? Where do I go from here? What's the meaning of life? I'm just (more sobbing)
Oh, man. OK, what the hell... What are you afraid of, Halladay?
I'm afraid my teammates will turn on me like, um... I don't know how to put this gently, DiNardo, but I'm afraid they might do something mean, like, maybe... Well, remember that time you got locked in my foot locker? I'm afraid of something like that!
What? How did you know about that?
Uh, DiNardo, everybody knows about it. Your buddy Arroyo got wasted after the All-Star game last year and sang a song about it. Between the story and his voice, man, we couldn't stop laughing...
Now wait just a minute. Are you telling me that this has become my reputation in major league baseball? Getting shut into the so-called Great Doc Halladay's foot locker? Son of a... In case you haven't noticed, Halladay, while you're licking your wounds, I'm having a great year. I have an ERA under 2, I'm striking guys out, just last night I pitched a lights-out ninth. It has finally come together for me. Just because you're apparently on the down side, and just because my former best friend is a fink, doesn't give you the right to wake me up in the middle of the freakin' night—it's 4:30, for chrissake! Man, am I pissed. I'm gonna kill Bronson.
Hey, I didn't mean to insult you or anything. All I wanted was some sympathy.
Well you won't get any from me. Call the Yankees. (click)
(sigh) It's lonely at the bottom. (hangs up the phone)

Monday, May 07, 2007

He's Dead to Me...and He aint NO Texan.

Today I am turning in my fan membership card, my loyalty, my love ... I'm throwing it out the window as I drive down Hwy 20 out here in Sweetwater, Texas, home of the Rattlesnake Round-Up. It seemed an appropriate place for it. The legend, the icon, the idol I had so loved finally showed his true colors to me...and they weren't red, white and blue...they were pinstriped....just like a con-man should be dressed.

That certificate signifies if you are a Native Texan....meaning you were born in my glorious state. Yes...I am a bit proud of my state, that I do NOT hide. BUT I just want my New England friends to know and realize 2 things: Bush and Clemens ARE NOT NATIVE TEXANS!!!! I repeat....hell I cant even write his name again.

Today I am renouncing Roger's Texan Card....he and Andy can make out all they want. I hope the fat lard falls on his face and embarrasses himself. You Sistahs have been so patient and sweet about my love for him. You understood and loved the fact I stayed when he left...and I do appreciate it...but JEEEEEEEEEEEZUSSSSSSSS.....why didn't someone bitch SLAP ME????

By the way...his pic is down from myspace....I am contemplating what goes in its place as to my reason of WHY I am a Red Sox Fan....any suggestions???


Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Welcome Back, Lenny. Come to Mama.

The A's are coming! The A's are coming!

It isn't just that the Sox are home, where they enjoy a slightly better record than they do on the road; or that they have their number one and two starters going for them in Curt Schilling tonight and Josh Beckett tomorrow; or even that they have a chance to improve their already major league best record against a team that is currently a game under .500 and has lost six of their last ten games. In addition to all that, this series is a milestone event:

Lenny DiNardo's triumphant return to Fenway Park.

It doesn't seem possible that it has been more than three years since I took this picture at spring training, showed it to my sistahs, and declared the Rule 5 draftee to be hotter than the southwest Florida sun. Some sistahs never did fully appreciate the Wonder That Is Lenny, but I stuck by him through thick and thin—and even I am a big enough person to admit that there was plenty of thin while he was in Boston. But my loyalty has paid off. Not only is Lenny as adorable as ever, but he's pitching like a man who is desperately trying to impress certain people who have never given him the respect he deserves. Just take a look at his 2007 numbers to date:

5 games, 9.l innings, 8 hits, 1 walk, 2 earned runs, 5 strikeouts
1.93 ERA, 0.96 WHIP, .235 opponents batting average

I'm not the only one who has noticed his renaissance. Lenny earned a shout out from Jeff Horrigan in today's Boston Herald. I don't know if Jeff appreciates the tall, dark, and handsome one in quite the same way I do, but if not, the man love is good too.

So here's my fantasy, so to speak, for the next two games: the Red Sox jump on Oakland starters Joe Blanton and Chad Gaudin early, taking a big lead and knocking them out after, oh, four or five innings. Hot Stuff comes on in relief for the next two to three innings, pitching brilliantly but in vain, as Sox pitchers fail to surrender the lead. Oh, and he occasionally bends down to use the rosin bag or tie his cleats, at which times the NESN camera operators give us nice shots of his backside. Boston wins, Lenny lowers his ERA even further, and there's some eye candy for me and Jeff Horrigan, if he goes that way. It's a win-win.

And maybe tomorrow, certain people will have seen the error of their ways and start being a little nicer to Mr. DiNardo. Not that I'm holding my breath.