I don't have a fever. There are no voices in my head. I'm pretty sure there is no inoperable tumor growing inside my noggin. I haven't inhaled, ingested, or imbibed any hallucinogenic substances, at least not recently. And yet, I am beginning to find this man strangely attractive.
Am I insane? I mean, we're talking about a guy whose first impression in a Red Sox uniform was of a crazed maniac clocking Tampa Bay's Joey Gathright in a spring training game. Decked him, right in the kisser. And if that weren't bad enough, Curly Haired Boyfriend is now writing nice things about him.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? Tavarez doesn't have Tek's thighs, Wake's neck, Dwight Evans' ass, or Mark Loretta's bedroom eyes. Is it really enough for him just to have presided over last night's 7-3 win against the Yankees, allowing only two runs in nearly six innings? That he started his outing by striking out Johnny Damon, and ended it by inducing Jorge Posada to hit into a double play? Have my standards been reduced to what happens between the chalk lines?
There are plenty of other players on this year's team who have legitimate hottie credentials. We have, just for example, the two most attractive Japanese players in the major leagues today in Hideki Okajima and Daisuke Matsuzaka. We have Manny Delcarmen, also known as mini-Manny or, as Beazer calls him, He of the Soft Lips. We just got a fine effort by the fine Kason Gabbard. We have beauty and brains in the University of Virginia's Javier Lopez. We have Tex's favorite Texan, Josh Beckett. And I haven't even gotten to the position players yet.
Any number of other members of the 2007 Red Sox are far sexier than Julian Tavarez. But last night left me with a certain tingly feeling. I can't help it. I guess Yankee-bashing is an aphrodisiac.
I'll get over it. The next time he stinks up the place, I'll have an "EEEWWWWW!" moment and will be back to normal. Until then, perhaps I should get into therapy. Just to be safe.