Monday, April 05, 2010

Opening Night Correspondence

The season opening post comes to us from an anonymous Canadian guest blogger, who was somewhat surprised to learn that C.C. Sabathia is on my fantasy baseball team.

Dear Theo,

You may recall that I am your most loyal fan. You may also recall that I bleed Red Sox blood and have cheered the loudest of anyone, even in the Jimy years.

You know that a) if you were taller, b) if you were Catholic, or c) if you were Canadian (because I have a weakness for those), I would marry you or at least bear your children. Having said that, I thought I should come clean, this being Easter and all, and tell you that I have C.C. Sabathia in my fantasy pool.

I know that Jon Lester will probably win the Cy Young award and C.C. is a tad rotund. I just felt like finally having a guy not named Schilling who could win the big game. A guy who causes opposing batters to break into a cold sweat when he takes the mound. Now, I know that Luis Tiant had that effect on batters too, but that was because they weren't sure he was paying attention.

Anyway, I love your new loafers. They really bring out the color in your eyes.

C.C. lover,

Dear K.J.,

I have to say I found your marriage entreaties quite inviting. You should know that I can a) wear lifts in my shoes, b)say the Hail Mary and Our Father (Bill Belichick taught me those), and c) think Winnipeg is a nice city.

That being said, I am horrified at your pronouncement and ask that you turn in your Red Sox fan membership immediately.

In my own defense, I let the computer draft for me this year and really shouldn't complain, since I also got Tim Lincecum. But here's my own response.

Dear Theo,

Tell Beckett to stop throwing the curve ball until he can figure out how to keep opponents from hitting it out of the park, and then we'll talk.

Hugs & kisses,