Friday, April 14, 2006

How NOT to Heckle

Let's say you have some money burning a hole in your pocket. Then let's say you spend that money on a baseball ticket. If you go that far, you're probably going to want to actually go to the game.

But then what? What to do once you're actually sitting in a major league baseball stadium?

There really are only three options:

  1. Watch the game
  2. Drink heavily (usually accompanied by eating heavily)
  3. Heckle. Doesn't matter who. The players, the umps, the coaches or managers...just pick a victim and stick to it.

The first two are no-brainers. Any run of the mill fan can become good at them. But number three? Ah, there are some rules you should follow if you want to come across as a first-rate heckler and not some know-nothing, baseball heckling virgin.

So let's go over some things you shouldn't say while heckling, lest you want to sound ridiculous.

"Throw Strikes!"

This is obviously directed at the pitcher. Now, if the pitcher needs you to tell him to 'throw strikes', he shouldn't be out there in the first place, should he? The only good part about hearing the 'throw strikes' heckle is the inevitable response from another fan who is sick of your stupid ranting - "Why didn't HE think of that?".

"You're a bum (insert name of former MVP, Gold Glove, Silver Slugger, Cy Young winner here) !"*

Through 2005, Manny Ramirez had a career batting average of .314, over 1400 rbi, over 1900 hits, scored almost 1200 runs and had an on base percentage of .409. He is not a bum. He is a pain in the ass who could make a little old schoolmarm swear like a sailor when he starts his "Manny being Manny"crap, but he is not a bum. Yelling "You're a bum, Manny" because he strikes out against a pitcher who is striking everyone out during the second week of the season makes you look like a horse's ass.

Besides, Manny can't hear you. And if he could, he'd just smile and wave like those penguins in "Madagascar".

"Yankees Suck!"

Wait...that's always a good one. At least when the Yankees are playing your team. Or if a Yankees fan does something stupid like, you know, look at you.

"You should have had that!"

"No shit? Really? Was I supposed to catch that? Why don't they teach us these things in practice?"

And, the red-headed cousin of "You should have had that", "What were you swinging at?".

If you don't know what he's swinging at, I'm pretty sure you're at the wrong sporting event.

Be creative people. If you have to be an ass at the game, make it original. Give us something to remember you by after we get security to kick your drunk, ignorant, never played a day of baseball but think you can do better than the professionals, ass out of the park.

* Even Alex Rodriguez is NOT a bum. He's a bush league punk who only cares about padding his stats and couldn't care less what the rest of his team is doing...but by no means is he a 'bum'.


Soxcruiser said...

Beazer this is a must read for all going to a baseball game. I absolutely agree on all of it except the "Yankees Suck" chant. The Yankees so don't suck that everytime I hear that chant it just grates on my nerves. Then when I hear it being chanted at Camden Yards when the Red Sox are playing the birds I just really scratch my head. Of course it did bring a little smile on my face when I turned on the Mets game on TV and heard it at Shea Stadium. the other day

Beazer said...

Thanks, Cruiser!

Heh. As YOU know, I don't really like the chant either...but I was hard up for material!


Anonymous said...


Varitekchick said...

Ooooooooh we have a troll already? What fun !!

Regarding the boos....I don't get the logic in the rain of boos showered on Boomah the other day for stinking up the joint. Is he really that hated by everyone other than me? Wake sucked just as bad in his first outing and Clement was awful yesterday but Boomah had to hear the crap.

I don't get it. Maybe I'm blinded by my Boomah love!

Beazer said...

VC...they booed the hell out of Clement last night too, so fear not, it wasn't Boomah hate - it was stupid, know-nothing fans.

Hey I got into it with some of them at the game. If you don't want to cheer for your team, why bother showing up at all?

You can't compare Wake, though...the man is a God in Boston. :)

ladynightingale1 said...

I'm an at-bat to at-bat kind of fan, I must admit it. At any given time, at any given game, I might be guilty of any or all of the above....especially calling people bums or I have another one-"What the fuck was THAT??" on an especially egregious play.
But, I'm also forgiving and magnanimous. If a guy gets a clutch hit or makes a spectacular play the next time, he's my favorite guy.
Until his next at-bat, when he has to prove himself all over again.
It's great to be a fan.
But I better not sit next to Beazer anytime soon... :-)
btw, I love Boomer too. I admit I have a bit of a double standard with him)

ladynightingale1 said...

I thought I just posted this...where did it go??
I should've prefaced the above by saying that's usually what I do on my sofa at home. I'm far too dignified to do that in a cheap seat that I paid for, although on the inside I might be screaming!!

Novy said...

I just want to say I am not much of a fan of booing ... SORRY ! ...

And I know that come May 1 - the MFY's play the RS @ Fenway ... bringing the return of Johnny Damon.

For all that he's done for the RS in his 4 years, do we really think he's someone to BOO? Just let him have our respect for his first at bat ...

Beazer said...

//For all that he's done for the RS in his 4 years, do we really think he's someone to BOO? Just let him have our respect for his first at bat ... //

Johnny got all his cheers while he was here.

If I was going to be at that game...I'd be booing him, his big mouth and his greedy ass.