Welcome to "Red Sox Survivor: The Right Stuff", brought to you by the Boston Red Sox and Champion Ford.
And, now, live from Fenway Park, here's your host, Kevin Millar!
Howdy Sox Nation! It's great to be back in Boston!
You aren't 'back', Kevin. But if you do a good job, I might be willing to make you an offer. We lost about 10 "Fenway Ambassadors" after last season's third-place finish.
Fine! Let's just get this started.
Okay, here's the deal. The Red Sox need a right fielder and this game is going to decide who that right fielder will be. We're going to decide tonight WHO has "The Right Stuff!" (giggles) Get it? The RIGHT Stuff? This is gonna be great! We have three contestants tonight. Our first contestant has been in the bigs for ten years. All with the same team. And even though they refused to offer him arbitration, here he is tonight. Ladies and Gentlemen, the original Dirt Dog - Trot Nixon!
I'm just grateful to God for giving me the opportunity to be here.
I had more to do with it than God, Trot.
Yeah, whatever. Here he is, Wily Mo Pena.
:: Wily Mo runs to Kevin and tries to hug him. Kevin punches him in the stomach and Pena doesn't flinch::
Damn! Sorry Bronson, I tried, man.
I'll stand in centerfield...for now.
Just don't try to catch anything, heh-heh! Right Trot?
People who live in glass houses, Kevin. Glass houses.
::sigh:: I'm so unappreciated. Okay, and contestant three is made of glass and probably blows Theo weekly...ladies and gentlemen, D.J. Drew.
Whatever, D.J. Go stand in right field, but don't get too comfortable. I'll see you after the show. Now, the rules are simple, there are two categories: defense and offense. We'll see who does the best in the field and then take it to the plate. I judge everyone's performance and choose the winner.
This is supposed to be "Survivor". Don't we get to vote?
No. My show, my rules.
Actually, Kevin, it's my show.
::wipes away a tear:: 2004, man, 2004. (shakes his head) Okay, back to the game. My amigo, Manny Ramirez is at the plate and I'm going to throw him a meatball. We'll rate the contestants on how they respond to Manny hitting one out.
:: Manny hits the pitch to Drew in right field. Drew watches the ball go over his head, Trot runs over from left field, knocking over Wily Mo and smashing himself into the wall. As he falls down, Wily Mo gets a glove on the ball and knocks it into the stands::
:: JD Drew threw out his shoulder watching the ball go by and will be on the disabled list for two months::
:: Trot strained his ass again and will be on the disabled list for two months::
:: Wily Mo wins the position by forfeit::
Man, that didn't go the way I thought it would.
Funny. It went exactly the way I thought it would.