Monday, December 18, 2006

Red Sox Survivor: "The Right Stuff"

Welcome to "Red Sox Survivor: The Right Stuff", brought to you by the Boston Red Sox and Champion Ford.

And, now, live from Fenway Park, here's your host, Kevin Millar!

Howdy Sox Nation! It's great to be back in Boston!

You aren't 'back', Kevin. But if you do a good job, I might be willing to make you an offer. We lost about 10 "Fenway Ambassadors" after last season's third-place finish.

Fine! Let's just get this started.

Good man!

Okay, here's the deal. The Red Sox need a right fielder and this game is going to decide who that right fielder will be. We're going to decide tonight WHO has "The Right Stuff!" (giggles) Get it? The RIGHT Stuff? This is gonna be great! We have three contestants tonight. Our first contestant has been in the bigs for ten years. All with the same team. And even though they refused to offer him arbitration, here he is tonight. Ladies and Gentlemen, the original Dirt Dog - Trot Nixon!

::After high fiving, hugging, and a new handshake with Kevin, Trot takes his place in left field::

Great to see you, brother!

I'm just grateful to God for giving me the opportunity to be here.

I had more to do with it than God, Trot.

::Awkward silence::
Aaanyhoo...our second contestant tried playing the outfield in Fenway last year and sucked like one of my babies on my wife's...


Yeah, whatever. Here he is, Wily Mo Pena.

:: Wily Mo runs to Kevin and tries to hug him. Kevin punches him in the stomach and Pena doesn't flinch::

Damn! Sorry Bronson, I tried, man.

I'll stand in centerfield...for now.

Just don't try to catch anything, heh-heh! Right Trot?

People who live in glass houses, Kevin. Glass houses.

::sigh:: I'm so unappreciated. Okay, and contestant three is made of glass and probably blows Theo weekly...ladies and gentlemen, D.J. Drew.

It's J.D., punk.

Whatever, D.J. Go stand in right field, but don't get too comfortable. I'll see you after the show. Now, the rules are simple, there are two categories: defense and offense. We'll see who does the best in the field and then take it to the plate. I judge everyone's performance and choose the winner.

This is supposed to be "Survivor". Don't we get to vote?

No. My show, my rules.

Actually, Kevin, it's my show.

Okay, whatever. Let's take a minute to hear from our sponsor and we'll be right back.

::wipes away a tear:: 2004, man, 2004. (shakes his head) Okay, back to the game. My amigo, Manny Ramirez is at the plate and I'm going to throw him a meatball. We'll rate the contestants on how they respond to Manny hitting one out.

I'm ready, Man!

:: Manny hits the pitch to Drew in right field. Drew watches the ball go over his head, Trot runs over from left field, knocking over Wily Mo and smashing himself into the wall. As he falls down, Wily Mo gets a glove on the ball and knocks it into the stands::

:: JD Drew threw out his shoulder watching the ball go by and will be on the disabled list for two months::
:: Trot strained his ass again and will be on the disabled list for two months::

:: Wily Mo wins the position by forfeit::

Man, that didn't go the way I thought it would.

Funny. It went exactly the way I thought it would.

With props (or apologies) to Surviving Grady and The Dugout.


Soxcruiser said...

OMG Cyn that was freakin' hilarious!!!

Brenken said...


I want you and Kevin to host a show so I can laugh all the time.
Somehow you need to get Millar toread this because he will think it is hilarious.

You are a gem, Cyn!

Anonymous said...

Red Bull does this to you... that and the Sox...

~ Tru

rainbowgirl said...

A reality show that some Sistahs could consider watching!

Tex said...

I know someday Millar will be an announcer and will be as funny as this blog or funnier! This was ALL the Right Stuff Cyn!!!

Soxcruiser said...

I'm still laughing about this Beazer! The pictures you used of Kevin are just perfect. I would so watch a show hosted by Millar and you definitely captured his humor. You are the master! Of course I'm a huge Survivor fan so you definitely hit a nerve with this one and I loved the surprise ending. I so wanted Trot to win. Of course the people I want to win never do...I know I live in New Hampshire!

Happy Holidays!


md said...

I wonder sometimes where you got your wit, and sense of humor?!

You should be writing, and Junior should be on stage!

Christine E. said... a riot...

Could we get someone on getting this show produced?

Thanks for the laugh!

Go Sox!