Wednesday, June 06, 2007

A Cell Phone Rings at McAfee Coliseum

(looks at phone) I don't recognize this number. (answers) Hello?

(silence)

Hel-loooo, is anyone there?

(whispering) You worthless, ungrateful lout. I can't believe you did this to me...

What? Hey, who is this?

Shut up, punk. I'm doing the talking here. I can't believe I rearranged my life just to watch you pitch, and for what, to see my team be humiliated...

Hey lady, I don't know what you want or even who you are...

You don't know who I am? YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM??? I'll tell you who I am. I'm the one who went to bed at 7:00 last night just so I could get up and watch you make your stupid little start in the middle of the night. If I had known how badly you'd screw it up, I wouldn't have gone through the trouble.

Screw it up? I was great!

Sure you were, Mr. Big Shot, and that's the problem. The Red Sox rescued you from the Mets' Rule 5 scrap heap, gave you a chance to pitch when you sucked wind, even gave you a World Series ring, and what thanks do they get? You shut them out for seven innings. You should be ashamed of yourself. I swear, I oughtta...

Wait a minute...your voice sounds familiar. Who is this? Do I know you?

Oh, how soon they forget. Maybe this rings a bell. "Do me, Lenny" (clap, clap, clap clap clap)...

That's it! I knew I recognized your voice from somewhere. Hey, I thought you liked me!

"Liked" being the operative word, douchebag. Past tense. You had your chance and you blew it. If you can't show a little more loyalty, I'm banishing you forever from my erotic fantasies. (click)

(staring at the phone) Man, that was scary. What a psycho.

11 comments:

Tex said...

LOLOLOL!!! I cant quit laughinga SO HRARD!!! OMFG!!! that is the BEST POST EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVER EVER!!!!

and its even better than YOU posted it not Cyn!!!! ::running off to tell others to come see this:: LOLOLOLOL

::holding my sides..cant breathe....pant pant::

Tru's worried about KellyJ said...

Good God! This is almost as scary as a 53 year old woman jumping out of the woods and biting you on the neck!

Beazer said...

You called Lenny a douchebag...up is down, black is white....I, I don't know where I am...

(Oh yeah, and I snorfed orange juice through my nose whilst reading this...well played sistah!)

Tex said...

hell HAS frozen over...Roger and Lenny are dead

Brenken said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Kelly, this is priceless!
Well done, Sistah!

Anonymous said...

Lenny would probably be more worried and upset if Bronson swore to banish him forever from his erotic fantasies. You have the wrong equipment, Kelly...as least as far as Lenny's concerned!

Soxcruiser said...

Priceless!!!

Beazer said...

I feel the need to point out that "I" am NOT 'anonymous'.

:-D

Anonymous said...

Maybe we can get Lenny to come to Boston and pitch to you at mini-Fenway Park. It looks like it's going to be a pretty cool place to play ball and meet Red Sox players (and ex-Red Sox players):

http://www.kidsreplicaballpark.org/MFP_blog.html

Michael Leggett said...

& Lenny was no great shakes in the City where his pro career began, in the Borough, adjacent to the Borough where it all began:

Was in Fenway on May 20th & Saw Gabbard Win;

Saw David Murphy on Sept 2nd, last year & saw 1st MLB Hit;

Love these Fenway Premieres.

Fliss and Mike Adventures said...

That was funny... having lived in the US (from Australia) for only 5 years I am a newcomer to Baseball though still learning... married to a New Englander (need I say more) but living in FL... Got to see the Red Sox at Spring Training... it was fun - even when a home run ball came at us and my hubby just jumped over me to get the ball... nearly walking all over me on the way. I see where I stand...lol... look forward to reading more of this site.