Bringing Down a Hero

That pic of Joshua Patrick was taken by myself in San Diego. If you know anything about Joshua Patrick, you know that Roger Clemens has been someone he's role modeled after. After all, Roger played for the University of Texas and helped them win a College World Series. Josh used to play as a kid pretending to be Roger...well trying to pitch like him. Josh is cocky like Roger. Josh has 'the stuff' like Roger. But Roger ain't J.P. It will be an interesting match in more ways than the obvious ones. A Texan against a Texan. Ex-Red Sox pitcher vs. a current one.

Make no mistake...tomorrow night when the game starts, there's only one true Texan who'll take the mound in Yankee Stadium: Joshua Patrick Beckett...born and raised in Southeast Texas. Attended school all his life around Spring and played little league throughout high school there. Clemens was born and raised in Ohio and didn't move to Texas till his high school years. So although he attended UT (or tu as Texas A&M fans call it), he ain't no Texan.

The HUGE reason this will be an interesting match for me is Roger is THE reason I am a Red Sox fan....and until this past year I had defended him. But when he decided to unretire AGAIN and go to the Yankees...it turned my stomach and I turned my soul away. Josh Beckett is the TEX-Man of the Hour as far as I'm concerned. I don't need a player to keep me a Red Sox fan...I'm here and staying. I'm a loyal Texan and I'll root for the Texas boys who come and go....but I'll live and die a Red Sox fan.

This post is dedicated to all my Sistahs and others who patiently waited for my deliverance from the fat one. It took some time I know but thanks for smiling while ya poked yourself in the eye when I'd post his pics and talk lovingly about him. HEY BECKETT...when you take the mound tonight WIN it for MY SISTAHS!! and Win it For ME!!

So at 7:05p.m., when the game starts....don't be fooled by the razzle dazzle the Yanks try to pull over your eyes....Roger ain't no Texan and he ain't no friend of mine.

On the Flight Back from Baltimore

You suck!
No,you suck!
Nuh-uh!
Ya-huh!
That's enough, fellas. Don't make me separate you!
He started it.
Did not.
Did too.
You guys won't be happy 'til I knock someone on their ass, right?
Calm down, Tito. No one is getting knocked on their ass. We lost a couple of games...
You mean Eric lost a couple of games, right Mr. Epstein? *
Kyle, it isn't fair to point fingers. We're still leading the division race and as long as we're still the best team in Major League Baseball, all we have to do from this point on is build on that.
Whatever. Eric still sucks...
Forget this weekend, dude, let's use your iPhone to go on You Tube and watch videos of me kicking ass!
Or sucking ass.
Oh bring it on, Frenchy!
Tito, they aren't listening to me. You need to give them some words of encouragement.
Hmmm...okay, how about this? Fellas, just stop sucking, okay?
We sure are trying, skip.
:beams:
We sure are.
:grins:
I'll do what I can tomorrow, Tito.
:happily sighs:
I'll have your back, Wake.
:cries:
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*I felt it necessary to print the quote from the real Kyle about Gagne:

"We've got to come together. It's not one person's fault in this locker room. I think everybody in here is accountable. We take responsibility for ourselves, and there isn't a single person in here pointing fingers at anybody."

A Top Ten List to Pass the Time

From the home office in Oxford, Ohio, the top ten excuses the Yankees have for being in second place:

10. It's only July

9. Kei Igawa can only pitch effectively in months ending in 'pril.

8. Mike Mussina misses Randy Johnson.

7. The team prefers Liza's version of New York, New York over Frank's.

6. Joe Torre quit two months ago and was replaced by a wax replica.

5. Derek Jeter spent the better part of the first half online voting himself into the All Star Game.

4. ESPN hasn't been paying enough attention to them.

3. They're working on that "lovable loser" tag so their fans will appreciate them more when they do win.

2. Ever since the series in Toronto, strippers don't want to hang out with ARod

and the number one excuse the Yankees have for being in second place:

1. Well, damn, the Red Sox are just an all-around better team!

A Cell Phone Rings at McAfee Coliseum

(looks at phone) I don't recognize this number. (answers) Hello?

(silence)

Hel-loooo, is anyone there?

(whispering) You worthless, ungrateful lout. I can't believe you did this to me...

What? Hey, who is this?

Shut up, punk. I'm doing the talking here. I can't believe I rearranged my life just to watch you pitch, and for what, to see my team be humiliated...

Hey lady, I don't know what you want or even who you are...

You don't know who I am? YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM??? I'll tell you who I am. I'm the one who went to bed at 7:00 last night just so I could get up and watch you make your stupid little start in the middle of the night. If I had known how badly you'd screw it up, I wouldn't have gone through the trouble.

Screw it up? I was great!

Sure you were, Mr. Big Shot, and that's the problem. The Red Sox rescued you from the Mets' Rule 5 scrap heap, gave you a chance to pitch when you sucked wind, even gave you a World Series ring, and what thanks do they get? You shut them out for seven innings. You should be ashamed of yourself. I swear, I oughtta...

Wait a minute...your voice sounds familiar. Who is this? Do I know you?

Oh, how soon they forget. Maybe this rings a bell. "Do me, Lenny" (clap, clap, clap clap clap)...

That's it! I knew I recognized your voice from somewhere. Hey, I thought you liked me!

"Liked" being the operative word, douchebag. Past tense. You had your chance and you blew it. If you can't show a little more loyalty, I'm banishing you forever from my erotic fantasies. (click)

(staring at the phone) Man, that was scary. What a psycho.

Someday God will say "Ha" and someone will be in BIG trouble!

So I was going to write something witty. A phone call, perhaps, where Bronson rubs it in to Lenny that, although he pitched 5 solid innings for Oakland, he imploded in the 6th and lost the game.

Instead, I'm compelled to write about Alex Rodriguez.

"ARod" to most.

"Slappy" to me (And Bronson Arroyo.)

I have never hidden my hatred for the Yankees. On my own blog, the tag line is "Because life is too short to be a Yankees Chick". I'm pretty straight-forward that way. But the truth is that there are players on that team you have to respect. Mariano Rivera comes to mind.

Well, that was a short list.

Anyway, I've often been on the fence about old Slappy. As witnessed by my use of that nickname, I'll not soon 'get over' his slapping the ball out of Bronson Arroyo's glove in game 6 of the 2004 ALCS. Nor am I happy with the elbow he threw at Dustin Pedroia last week in New York. But in between those two incidents, I had started to soften. I thought it was ridiculous of the Yankees fans to boo possibly the best player any of them had ever seen. I started to believe all the crap about how sensitive he is and how his wife has helped him deal with the pressures of making ridiculous amounts of money for playing a child's game.

I'll tell you now, there is no more softening. ARod is a jackass. And that's the nicest and worst word I'll use. No point in offending any of your sensibilities by using words not fit for print.

But let's pretend I used them, okay? Just between us, you all know that I think ARod is the nickname for Richard. And I'm not talking about Rich. I feel better now that we're all on the same page.

Yes we all know many players cheat on their wives (not all, though, and I think that's pretty important to mention). But ARod is a superstar. He's an athlete and celebrity. He's on the highest-profile team in professional sports in America. And he's stupid enough to get caught?

No way. He isn't stupid. He just has no respect. Not for his wife, not for the woman he's carting around (Nor does she have any respect for herself - I'm not blaming just ARod for that part of all this. It takes two and all.). He certainly doesn't have any respect for his team or their fans, since they are on the receiving end of a major ass-whipping all around these days.

He should have been more discreet. He should have kept it in his pants. He should have just been focusing on helping the team try to win. Right?

Well, he took that last one to heart in Toronto last night, and in the process has cemented his reputation as a great player, but a lousy person.

You've all heard about it or read about it by now.

Rodriguez said he was simply trying to win. “We’re desperate,” he said. “We haven’t won a game in a little bit now. We won the game.”

Spoken like a great American ball player, Slappy. It doesn't matter that what you did would get you a punch in the face in Little League. It helped you win the game because you're desperate. That's all that matters. It's so clear to me now.

I promise you, the next time I see someone who is letting their kid wear an ARod jersey I'll probably lose it on them. This man is a joke. He's taking an already horrible season for the Yankees and adding insult to injury.

The last time the Yankees were in Boston, Daisuke Matsuzaka hit ARod with a pitch. It was April and he was on fire. After getting hit, he cooled down considerably. It might just be time for a little repeated history. Someone needs to take Slappy down a notch, and Bronson Arroyo isn't here to do it. (Author's note: I didn't clear this with all the Sistahs, so don't be blaming all of them for MY writing that he should get hit. I'm sure there are one or two of them who never want to see a batter hit, no matter who he is. I don't happen to be one of them. As long as they don't hit his head/face, I'm quite alright with a purpose pitch now and then.)

Derek Jeter refused to comment on last night's incident. That is very telling. Maybe not. Either Jeter thinks what ARod did last night was wrong, or he just thinks the guy is a dick* and is happy to watch him swing flaccidly in the wind. Either way, if the captain of your team doesn't back your play, you should be thinking twice about what you did.

Not that ARod is. He absolutely seems to be from the "any publicity is good publicity" camp.

I only hope this time he gets his deserved 'reward' for his bush league behavior - on and off the field.

*oops.

Edited to add that clearly he says "mine" and not "ha". Go back to 3rd grade, Slappy. (This video works now, but when MLB finds out about it, will probably get pulled:)

A Cell Phone Rings in Oakland

Dude...answer the phone, I really need someone to talk to...

Duuude, you've reached Lenny Dinardo! I'm not here right now because I'm gearing up for my STARTING gig on Tuesday night against Texas. That's right, bitches! Lenny Dinardo is in the starting rotation thank to his 1.83 ERA! Leave me a message and if I don't get too drunk after my win Tuesday night, I'll call you back!

Beeeeeeeep!

1.83 ERA? No way! I miss the good old days.


To be continued...(Hopefully, right after Lenny's win on Tuesday!)

Is There a Psychiatrist in the House?

I don't have a fever. There are no voices in my head. I'm pretty sure there is no inoperable tumor growing inside my noggin. I haven't inhaled, ingested, or imbibed any hallucinogenic substances, at least not recently. And yet, I am beginning to find this man strangely attractive.

Am I insane? I mean, we're talking about a guy whose first impression in a Red Sox uniform was of a crazed maniac clocking Tampa Bay's Joey Gathright in a spring training game. Decked him, right in the kisser. And if that weren't bad enough, Curly Haired Boyfriend is now writing nice things about him.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? Tavarez doesn't have Tek's thighs, Wake's neck, Dwight Evans' ass, or Mark Loretta's bedroom eyes. Is it really enough for him just to have presided over last night's 7-3 win against the Yankees, allowing only two runs in nearly six innings? That he started his outing by striking out Johnny Damon, and ended it by inducing Jorge Posada to hit into a double play? Have my standards been reduced to what happens between the chalk lines?

There are plenty of other players on this year's team who have legitimate hottie credentials. We have, just for example, the two most attractive Japanese players in the major leagues today in Hideki Okajima and Daisuke Matsuzaka. We have Manny Delcarmen, also known as mini-Manny or, as Beazer calls him, He of the Soft Lips. We just got a fine effort by the fine Kason Gabbard. We have beauty and brains in the University of Virginia's Javier Lopez. We have Tex's favorite Texan, Josh Beckett. And I haven't even gotten to the position players yet.

Any number of other members of the 2007 Red Sox are far sexier than Julian Tavarez. But last night left me with a certain tingly feeling. I can't help it. I guess Yankee-bashing is an aphrodisiac.

I'll get over it. The next time he stinks up the place, I'll have an "EEEWWWWW!" moment and will be back to normal. Until then, perhaps I should get into therapy. Just to be safe.