A Question from Tim Wakefield to his Teammates

Is it so damned terrible to ask for a little run support before I die?

(Photo from "Mr. Versatility: The Tim Wakefield Fan Page")

Clearing the Air

Hey folks! S'up? Lenny Dinardo here. Yeah, I know I'm not a 'sistah', but the way my name gets bandied about around here I figured it was high time I hijacked this blog and defended my good name!

Yeah, I said 'bandied'! What of it?

Anyhow, first things first. I wanted to apologize for, you know, sucking the entire time I was up with the Red Sox this season. It wasn't exactly how I planned for things to go. I figured with Bronson gone it would be my time to shine. Boy was I wrong!

Crap! I couldn't even get through the first few paragraphs without mentioning the "B" word. Sorry. It won't happen again.

See, I didn't know I sucked. Okay, I kind of knew I sucked, but tell me this, which one of YOU would give up the opportunity to pitch in the bigs for the Boston Friggin' Red Sox, just because you stunk? I don't see any hands. I didn't think so. So off my back please.

You know, I've been doing a lot more this off-season than just talking to Bronson. (DAMMIT!)

I went to Arizona to pitch out of the bullpen for the Peoria Javelinas. The season is over now, but I came out of it with a 1-0 record and a 2.70 ERA. Oh yeah, and in 10 games I struck out 16 batters.

SIXTEEN! Eat THAT Kyle Snyder! You Bronson wannabe.

Crap.

Okay, back to baseball. What do you all think of this Matsuzaka dude, huh? When I first heard about him I thought his name was Matt Suzaka and I'd have someone to hit the North End with, but then David Pauley explained it all. $51.11 million? Damn, for that amount of money I would have had that surgery, er, I mean, that's a lot of money huh? Well, I'm not worried.

Should I be worried? Maybe I should call Bronson? (Shit!)

Speaking of phone calls, I got one that will interest you all! Manny called me today. Okay, he thought he was calling his dry cleaner, but still...he called ME! I'm pretty sure he won't be going anywhere. When I asked him about the trade rumors he wanted to know who was getting traded. I'm pretty sure we're safe.

Man, this blogging thing is tough. I don't know how these chicks do it! Let's see, what else did I want to say? Oh yeah, thanks to this blog and other strategically placed photos around the internet, there has been a lot of speculating about the nature of my relationship with Bronson. I just want people to know that we're friends...that's all. Like Joey and Chandler on "Friends". Except neither of us is as funny as Chandler. I don't know where people get the idea that we're anything other than that. Just because Bronson brought me presents from Japan doesn't mean anything. He probably brought something back for Dave Weathers too, that rat bastard.

My fingers are starting to hurt. All this typing better not affect my pitching, now that I'm back on track.

Well, in closing I'd just like to say, I never wanted to be a pitcher anyway, but it was the only way to stay close to Bronson.

I mean...

Aw, screw it!

Do you know me?

• I've been playing in Major League Baseball for eight years
• I was an All-Star for three consecutive seasons
• I have a Silver Slugger and a Gold Glove
• I made 7.5 million dollars last season
• My batting average currently leads my team
• I was on the 2003 Marlins team that humiliated the Yankees in the World Series!

But do I get articles written about me discussing what my at-bat music should be? No.

Do I get a specialized shirt at The Yawkey Way Store? Hell no! (And may I remind you all that Coco is on the DL, folks? HE ISN'T EVEN PLAYING and all I see at Fenway are Coco t-shirts!)

I hit three doubles on Friday night, made (if I do say so myself) an amazing, diving catch and I stole third base...third base, folks, do you KNOW how hard it is to steal third? I do all this and who gets the biggest ovation of the night?

This guy: I mean come on!

Half of the Boston sports media wrote me off. Oh, Theo was just letting me tag along so the Red Sox could sign Josh Beckett. How's that working out? I'll tell you how. Beckett's ERA is 4.86. (Have I mentioned that my .339 average leads the team?) Beckett has been struggling, while I'm becoming the double king of the east coast! But who gets all the publicity? Beckett.

I know how you people like to compare us to the Yankees, so let's compare me to their third baseman, okay? Hell, Alex Rodriguez is only hitting .266 with a measly four doubles. Do you know how many doubles I have? SEVENTEEN! Not such a big deal...except that it IS since I'm leading the freaking league right now!

So where is the love? Where is the respect? Most importantly...where the hell are the groupies?

No, seriously. Where are they? I spent Friday night watching NESN's midnight replay of the game. I was awesome! Instead of sitting in front of the television letting my cat eat out of the tv dinner tray, I should have been surrounded by beautiful women. But was I? No. Lenny Dinardo can barely get the ball over the plate...the women are all over him. Kevin Youkilis? Looks like a bald troll doll...can't take five steps away from Fenway without tripping over some gal throwing herself at him.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?????

I'm sorry. It was a long day at Fenway and in 24 hours I'll be sitting in a hotel room in New York, preparing for my first foray into Yankee Stadium in a Red Sox uniform. I'm a little stressed.

Maybe the New York chicks will know how to appreciate a real third basemen?

Or, I could become a Yankee killer. That'll get me some nice write-ups, my own funky t-shirts and all the Red Sox chickies I could ever want. That'll work.

I guess I can wait.